The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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