did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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