I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
whose parrot is this?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
