if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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