I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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