It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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