I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
