Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
