I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
