nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I can text with my tongue
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
