i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He has the fingertips of a God
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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