The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
