I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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