Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
