So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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