Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
