Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
