just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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