How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
