he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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