I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
