Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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