I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
