Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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