how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
