I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
