he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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