Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
