quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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