I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
