I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
