I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
