No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
