I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
