she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
