Already got asked if we're dating
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
