i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
