I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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