It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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