Moan for me like Helen Keller
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
