He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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