Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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