have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
