Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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