im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Randomize
