I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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