Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I need to calm my uterus...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
