I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
