Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
