just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
