i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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