Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
lol hangovers are for mortals.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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