Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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