Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
They took my balls.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
