you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
